


Meat God Pounds my Elf Snatch

by JadeTheThief



Category: Dice Funk Podcast D&D Campaign
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-07 00:22:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18861946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeTheThief/pseuds/JadeTheThief
Summary: A parody of Chuck Tingle, and the first in a series of stories in which Jade (my elf LoZ-based OC) fucks the eldritch monstrosities of the Dice Funk universe.





	Meat God Pounds my Elf Snatch

I messed up bad. It was supposed to be a simple snatch and grab. How was I supposed to know those druids were armed to the teeth? They’re fucking druids! They live in the woods!

I sit in my makeshift cell, built into a natural rock formation deep within a mountain cave, and ponder what they have in store for me. I’ve handled punishment like this before. A few days alone, shitty food, and then I’m free to go back to thieving. At worst, I might have to seduce a guard into letting me out. That wouldn’t be so bad… there’s a few lookers here.

I step up to the iron bars, gazing out at my jailer. Tall, muscular, broad-shouldered, hairy… I lick my lips. I bet he’s an animal in bed, if you know what I mean.

His head turns, eyeing me suspiciously. I wink. “Hey, big boy. Been a while since I had a wolf man. What do you say? Wanna go a few rounds?”

He scoffs, turning away. Damnit. I always get the gay ones. I sit back down, sighing and resting my head on my folded arms. This is always the worst part: the boredom. Do they honestly expect me to “think about what I’ve done”? I’ve thought about it, and I’d do it again! …Except I wouldn’t get caught next time. I wish they’d just hurry up and punish me, though. It’s like they don’t even know what to do next.

 

An hour passes before I finally get a visitor: a tall, thin man in heavy fur robes. Some sort of priest, I think. Oh boy, he’s going to save my heathen soul! I smile at him. “Hi.”  
He makes a gesture at the guard, who nods, unlocking the door and stepping aside. As he enters, I notice he has a dagger in his hand, tucked inside his loose sleeve. I hop to my feet, hands close and defensive, ready to disarm him if need be. I’m not gonna die without a fight!

A faint smile crosses his face as he draws out the blade, slicing it lightly across his palm. His fist tightens, drops of blood falling to the floor. “Gorfinax must feed,” he speaks ominously. “The Great Devourer slumbers, and must slumber forever, lest he consume this world. This is as it was, since time immemorial.”

I raise an eyebrow. He can’t mean what I think he means… I gulp, realization dawning. I never should have come here…!

“You shall be sacrificed, to slake his hunger and save us all.”

My heart races. No. Nononono… 

I throw a punch at him, hoping to strike his smug face, but the guard is on me, shoving me roughly into the wall. My face scrapes against the rock and I cry out, struggling as he grips my wrists and pulls my arms back. Coarse ropes wrap tightly around my wrists, chafing at my skin. I can feel the guard’s warm, moist breath at the back of my neck. My skin tingles. Oh goddess, why am I so horny…?

Lifting me up with his muscular arms, he sets me on my feet, facing the priest. I try to pull away and his grip tightens, grabbing my biceps and squeezing. I clench my teeth, resisting my urge to give in to him, squirming helplessly as the priest steps toward me, knife at the ready.

Sliding the blade under the loose fabric of my green top, he slashes upward, cutting it away thread by thread. A chill runs across my skin as my breasts hang free, nipples exposed to the cold cavern air. I shudder, trembling as the muscular guard pulls the rest of my top away and throws it to the floor. The priest presses his bleeding hand to my breast, mumbling something in a long dead language. My heart pounds in my chest… what can I do? They’re going to kill me!

Raising my knee swiftly, I slam into his crotch, hoping the impact will drop him. He doesn’t even flinch. Fuck… The guard shakes me roughly, gripping my neck with his broad hand. I gasp, feeling my throat tighten as the priest resumes drawing blood symbols on my naked body. My vision blurs, growing dark. Blackness creeps at the edges of my sight as my legs grow weak… I slump, unable to fight it anymore.

\---

When I awake, I discover that I’m fully naked. I tremble, wondering where I am, surprised I’m still alive, and terrified at what will happen next. I look at myself, seeing that I’m covered head to toe in intricate patterns of dried blood. I try to get up, but my wrists and ankles are held down by stone shackles fused directly into the stone table upon which I lay. How did they manage to do that…?

I try to pull free, but they feel solid, unbroken from the rock itself, yet firmly wrapped around my wrists. I look at the chamber and see orange rocks all around me. I appear to have been lowered into this pit… there’s no door, no ladder. Above me is darkness, but I can faintly hear the druids chanting something. The room feels oddly warm, the air faintly moist. My skin trembles, naked and alone in this hole, waiting for goddess knows what to happen…

I feel something brush against the back of my thigh and jump involuntarily. “Fuck!” I exclaim, trying to see what’s in here with me. The room looks the same, but the stone table beneath my ass feels softer than before. I hear a soft cracking and turn my head, watching a slit open in the wall and emit a warm breeze in my direction. Gas? Is that how I’m going to die?

I take a deep breath, preparing to hold it as long as I can, but suddenly the room shakes. It begins as a low rumble, punctuated directly beneath me. I shriek, squirming and struggling as something warm and soft rises up between my legs: a tentacle, its tip penis-like, yet its hole spreading open to reveal an eye.

“What the fuck!?” I struggle, clenching my thighs to try to strangle it. “Get away from me!”

It blinks, falling forward to lay on my belly as it slithers up my body. I giggle involuntarily, tickled by its touch on my naked flesh. “Oh goddess… what the fuck are you?”

Two more slits open in the walls, the three belching out sounds in a deep, gravelly voice: “Gor.” “Fin.” “Ax.” The tentacle curls upward, bending to stare into my face. It blinks.

“Hi… Gorfinax?” I attempt a friendly smile, heart still pounding in panic.

The tentacle rises up as its base presses down, grinding gently against my folds. My chest jerks back, pleasure spreading through me. Oh goddess…

A pair of new tentacles sprout up out of the rock beside me, curling around my arms, gently exploring me. They cup my breasts and lick at my nipples, leaving a warm, oozing liquid in their wake. I moan, shuddering with pleasure as the ooze tingles on my skin. My legs relax, spreading to allow the tentacle to rub against me, tickling my clit.

The pair separate, one caressing my neck while the other strokes my hips and belly. Goddess… this thing wants to fuck me? I laugh. “I’m all yours, Gorfinax. Do your worst.”

The air starts to grow hot as I feel the chamber panting. Shit, he’s excited now! The tentacles sprout fingers and start groping me, touching and rubbing, pulling at my nipples and flicking my clit. I squirm, moaning, head tilted back in ecstasy. Yes! Ohhh yes!

The stone beneath me softens and shapes itself around my trembling backside, pulling me in as it lifts and falls with rhythmic excitement. It wants me, this creature. I don’t know what it will do once it’s had me… but I don’t care right now. Fuck me, you meat god!

My wrists twist and pull free of the softening meat shackles, reaching up to grasp the eye tentacle. It blinks in surprise, the pair of tentacles lashing around my arms to stop me, but I pull it in, licking its shaft. The tentacles relax, slithering back to caress my body as my tongue travels up the meaty rod, lingering on the ridges beneath the head. It shudders at my touch, my hands stroking its length. A low moan exhales from the walls and the eye rolls back, sliding down the inner shaft and leaving a moist hole in its place.

I kiss it, tasting its warm, salty flavor. It squirms, pushing its way eagerly toward my mouth. I oblige, lips parting, sucking gently on the tip as it eases its way into me. It’s thick, but malleable, seeming to shift to fill the contours of my mouth. I relax and breathe in through my nose, licking it playfully. The rod shudders, sliding in and out more quickly. I crane my neck to encourage it to go deeper. I want it in me now. My body trembles with excitement at the thought of this creature using me for its pleasure.

It hits my gag reflex and I cough, desperately relaxing my throat as I lean into it. I’ll never swallow the length of this massive shaft, but I’ll take whatever I can get. As it pushes further in, I feel more tentacles sprouting up to caress me, pleased by my performance. I moan and close my eyes, delighting in this moment of pure pleasure.

It thrusts in and out, driving into me, shaking my body with its vigorous delights. I grip its shaft, squeezing and stroking gently until it explodes in my mouth, filling me with hot, warm, sticky fluid. I meet this with pleasure at first, swallowing happily, but it quickly becomes more than I can handle, oozing out of the corners of my mouth. I cough, drawing back as it finishes squirting, shooting one final wad across my face. I plant a soft kiss on the tip, licking my lips. There, there. Good tentacle.

I gulp it down, hugging the penis-shaped meat shaft to myself. The chamber walls sigh, blowing hot bursts of air at me as my seat grows moist with sweat. I smile and kiss it again. “That was fun. We should do it again sometime, assuming you let me live.”

It twitches, drawing back out of my grasp and slithering down my body. I giggle as it slides over my belly, tickling me, then blink as it stops in front of the wet, waiting lips of my pussy. Oh… I frown. Of course it would want that too. Well…

I lie back, relaxing my hips and spreading my legs. “Looks like I’m stuck here with you, Gorfinax. Go for it.”

The head pushes into me, still moist from its previous excitement. As it enters, I feel its girth growing, stretching my pussy inside and out. I moan, hands fondling my own breasts. It’s so snug, so tight… I feel it filling me up. 

I grab one of the tentacles, drawing it to my face to kiss it and lick it. “Fuck me, Gorfinax,” I whisper. “I can take it. Ram it in there.”

The rod obliges and I moan loudly, my cries of orgasmic ecstasy echoing through the chamber. In and out, the fat cock thrusts, stretching me to my limit. I reach down and rub my clit vigorously, panting and moaning. My body shakes and the other tentacles reach up, clutching my shoulders and holding me down. The fleshy table below me lifts, elevating my hips as the cock hammers into me, dominating me. I sigh and throw my head back, my long black hair dangling over the edge.

A pair of tentacles roam across my face and I kiss them eagerly, letting my mouth hang open. They take the hint, slipping past my waiting lips to writhe along my tongue. Oh goddess, how I love this thing! As the rhythmic pounding continues in my snatch, I suck eagerly, drawing the tentacles in. I want this thing inside me, filling me head to toe. I love how it twists and squirms, exploring me, using me, loving me. It wants me so badly.

My legs grow tense and I lift my feet, setting them on the sweating, slippery table as I thrust my pussy over the cock, returning its eager penetrations. My head back, I notice new slits in the walls, revealing eyes watching me, leering in various states of orgasmic glee. My fingers cup my breasts as I continue to thrust, licking the tentacles in my mouth. This show’s for you, Gorfy boy! Glad you’re enjoying the view!

The cock stiffens within me, rising to lift my hips off the table, tugging on me and stretching my folds. Goddess! Don’t stop! I moan, squeezing my nipples as I tremble with pleasure. My hips rise and fall, shaken as the tentacle moves me. My breath quickens and my heart pounds in my chest. The mouth tentacles withdraw, caressing me gently as I feel my inner thighs tighten, my pussy ready to burst.

“Oh… Ohhh… GORFINAX!!” I shudder in orgasm, drenching the tentacle in my juices.  
The feelers on my body begin to slow, moving to coil around me. I smile, lying there as the shaft slips out of my snatch, brushing along my leg and curling over my thigh. The air in the room exhales in short, panting bursts. I stroke the tentacle with my fingertips. “So, now what?”

“Fu…tures.” The wall voices reply.

I raise an eyebrow, confused by its meaning. “You… want me to come back? In the future?”

It pauses thoughtfully, then answers. “Yes.”

“Wellllll,” I laugh. “How can I say no to that?” I slide off the table, standing and wiping myself down. Looking around, I try to find a ladder. “Umm… how do I get out of here?”


End file.
